


Everybody Hurts

by Snorlax_on_USS_Discovery



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e12 Through the Valley of Shadows, Hugh dealing with stuff, Late at Night, M/M, Paul being cute, Stubborn Culmets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29217645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snorlax_on_USS_Discovery/pseuds/Snorlax_on_USS_Discovery
Summary: Hugh was not sure if feeling too much was better than feeling nothing at all. Set after Hugh’s talk with Jett in sickbay in S2 Ep 12.
Relationships: Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets
Comments: 12
Kudos: 21





	Everybody Hurts

_When your day is long_

_And the night, the night is yours alone_

_When you're sure you've had enough_

_Of this life, well hang on_

It was the same nightmare that woke Hugh most nights since he was resurrected. He wasn’t sure if it was an actual dream or just the crush of everything. Whenever Hugh closed his eyes he could feel the JahSepp trying to eat away at his skin. Then there was the overwhelming loneliness and despair. There was also the bitter cold. It was the kind of cold that makes you feel like it would never be warm again. The only time he felt a hint of warmth was when Discovery made her jumps and every time he yelled out hoping to be heard, but every time his cries went unanswered.

_Why couldn’t he hear me? Did he want to hear me?_

  
Tonight’s nightmare was no different, but extra images invaded the nightly terrors: Hugh was in sickbay and instead of Tyler being the one break his neck it was Paul executing the deadly act.

There was no point in going back to sleep at this late or early hour, depending on how one viewed it. Hugh slid out of bed with a deep sigh that sounded like he was carrying all the burdens of the world on his broad shoulders. He pulled on a pair of running shorts and sleeveless shirt hoping a run could release the tension that had Hugh ready to scream for eternity. 

The middle of the night was a perfect time to for a run. Not many crew would be around. Not many people to face. No one to ask how he was feeling. Hugh was feeling a lot these days now. Anger, loneliness, longing and anything and everything in between. Sometimes he wondered if feeling nothing was better than feeling too much.

_Don't let yourself go_

_'Cause everybody cries_

_Everybody hurts sometimes_

_Sometimes everything is wrong_

Running was one of two things that helped Hugh relax when his nerves had him this worked up but running was the only viable option at this time.

_This isn’t the time. Might not ever be the time._

Those words were the reason option two would probably never be a solution ever again. And with those words he realized he did the one thing he told Admiral Cornwell that he did not want to do: hurt Paul. It was in that moment Hugh saw an invisible wall go up between them that seemed indestructible. More of Paul’s word came to mind.

_Why are you so angry with me?_

Because you did this to me. How could you do this to me? Those were the thoughts Hugh had the first few days after his return and Paul was being extra clingy. At the time he could not handle his void of emotion and Paul’s overabundance of them. It was like two puzzle pieces that did not fit together like they once did.

He had begun to realize that being trapped in the mycelial network was not Paul’s fault even though at first he irrationally blamed him. The longer Hugh had been in the network be began to understand the chitterings of the JahSepp and that they said the transfer of his energy into the network was not as simple as his matter being on Paul as he wavered in and out of the network, but there had be a strong connection between the two for the transfer to happen. 

Just when Hugh had begun to yearn for that connection that once was the strongest thing in the universe to him, Paul’s cutting words on Essof IV threw him into another state of confusion. Hugh could not tell if Paul was just saying that to protect himself or if he really meant it.

Before he realized, Hugh had run for a hour straight and his mind was no less calm than it had been before his run. 

Too bad option two would only lead to more problems...or maybe it was just the thing they needed to give them the push from the peculiar limbo their relationship was in. Hugh thought better of it even though something inside him ached for that connection he was also simultaneously scared of it.

Scared of it? Scared of losing it? Scared that this was all dream? It was as if Hugh had a small epiphany. Could part of the reason he felt disconnected from everything was because of the subconscious fear that it all would taken away? 

Hugh sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose and decided to head to the mess hall for a cup of chamomile lavender tea. He hoped a soothing cup of tea would have a calming effect. 

The mess was always empty at this hour so no one had to deal with a sweaty smelly doctor and he could have some quiet time with his thoughts. 

Hugh entered the mess hall through the doors closest to the replicators and he immediately heard someone half humming half singing at the other end of the room.

“Whisper words of wisdom. Let it be, Let it be.”

Jett’s words from earlier in the day echoed in Hugh’s head: It might not last forever.

It was as if fate had played a strange hand right now. Apparently, Hugh was not the only one having trouble sleeping. Maybe this was the perfect opportunity to give that second chance a try.

Hugh laughed to himself at the sight before and a warm almost fuzzy feeling spread from within. He always loved when Paul lowered his guard and let the real him peek through. Hugh wanted the relish in the unabashed moment of adorableness. He knew if Paul realized someone was watching he’d stop and scramble away with embarrassment. It was a good thing Paul’s back was to him and he assumed the disc on his temple was supplying the music he was humming/singing to.

To most people the sleep tousled hair, out of uniform, feet up on a chair humming and singing man was not the Paul Stamets they knew except to him and maybe Tilly. The only thing anyone would recognize as normal Paul was the PADD in his hand probably working or doing research.

That’s when Hugh noticed the cup of tea on the table next to Paul. He knew by the color that it was the sameblend he was about to have. He wondered if nightmares also had Paul awake at this hour.If the insane bed head was any indication the answer was presumably yes.

Hugh went to get his tea and he sat at a table that would be out of sight shouldPaul turn around, but at an angle he could watch the other man. For now he just wanted to relish in witnessing the carefree moment.

_Cause everybody hurts_

_Take comfort in your friends_

_Everybody hurts_

A few minutes later Paul removed the disc fromhis temple and Hugh was about approach Paul to try and have the talk they should have had a long time ago, but then Paul started talking to his PADD and began to leave a message.

“Hey, Dan. I know it’s been a while since I’ve sent you or mom a message... two months maybe. Or maybe since I left Earth. You both must have sent me a dozen or so messages and I never responded. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. So here is me responding finally. Things here have been...well they have been bad, horrible, miserable, excruciating. It just shows you how bad since I’m recording this at three in the morning. Everything is just worse now. The nightmares are much worse. Please don’t tell mom. I don’t want her to worry. She worries too much. So much has happened lately. I thought everything was on the road to getting better. I thought I could be happy again, but it’s all fucked up now. I am to blame. I thinkI have to move on from this part of my life and put it behind me. Forward motion is the way through. It’s what is best for us...I mean for me. I can’t dwell on what wasn’t meant to be anymore. It’s not healthy. I know this is vague and cryptic. Maybe one day I can find a way to explain it. I’ll try to be better about sending messages. Tell mom and I guess dad that I love them.”

The color drained from Hugh’s face as he overheard the message Paul sent to his brother. What ever hope he had at moving forward seemed to be long gone.

It’s not your fault. This is on me. I ruined this.

The first tears of Hugh’s new body began to roll down his face with no sign of stopping. Paul’s line about ‘what wasn’t meant to be’ now played on repeat in his head. Hugh pushed Paul away too many times and he finally had enough.

Through his trauma, Hugh never thought to think about the trauma Paul went through. Dying was hard, but being the one left behind was hard too. Now it seemed it was too late to correct that fatal error.

Forward motion is the way to go.

Hugh was about to make a stealthy exit when he heard something clatter to the floor. He thought about ignoring the sound, but it was habit to check in on Paul. 

Paul’s PADD had dropped to the floor from his left hand as his right elbow was on the table, propping up his face.

That’s when Hugh heard the soft snores coming from Paul. It was as if the message to his brother was a catharsis that allowed his body reclaim the sleep it needed. 

Hugh could feel his heart shattering into a infinite number of pieces. He sniffled and wiped the tears away with the back of his hand as he walked over to the sleeping man.

Hugh picked up the fallen PADD and placed it on the table and then crouched down so he was on Paul’s level. For a few moments Hugh watched Paul sleep feeling a mix of fondness and sadness. A sob got caught in the back of Hugh’s throat when he saw the red splotches on Paul’s cheeks, a tell tale sign he’d been crying too.

“If this is what you want I will respect your wishes,” Hugh’s voice cracked. “Goodbye, Paul.” He reached up and pressed his palm against the warm skin of Paul’s cheek. 

“I love you.” Hugh moved his hand up and carded it through Paul’s hair. He then leaned and placed a kiss on the forehead of the love of his life for one last time.

Paul’s reaction to the kiss made the goodbye all the more painful as it was one of familiarity: a crinkle of the nose followed by a happy sigh. 

Hugh did not hear the barely audible mumble, “Don’t go.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry I don’t know what made me write this. It was loosely inspired by Back at You, Bobcat so I declare this is set in the same verse as that story. They are just being stubborn men.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcomed and help inspire me. 
> 
> In case you were wondering Dan is Paul’s fraternal twin. The message Paul sent home at the end of season two made me think they were close in age. 
> 
> The title of this story and some of the lyrics is credited to R.E.M.
> 
> And thanks to to the SpaceBoos discord that inspired some of the nuggets I put in here.


End file.
